“Do one thing everyday that scares you.”
Eleanor Roosevelt.
Today I am doing my one thing. Confessing a fear. And so it becomes not only the fear that scares me, but the confession of it as well.
This is it- I shut down in certain situations. The circumstances vary, but they have one thing in common, someone has felt connected to me and I freeze. I let fear whisper or even shout all kinds of things to me. And the result is I don’t respond. I ignore. I don’t follow through.
What that looks like in real life might be
I’ve lead a bible study and been engaged and feel like I am using my gifting. Then someone wants to talk one on one about something in their life. The thoughts that run through my head “they think I am wise. They are going to find out I’m not.”
I receive a text from an acquaintance going through loss similar to ones I’ve experienced. They’ve read things I’ve written and they would like to get together. My mind says “you can write well, but when you are face to face you won’t know what to say.”
I write a blog post and I get messages and comments. I don’t respond. I think “They have been impacted by my words, my story. What if I let them down? What if they find out I’m boring and not all that insightful?”
The theme runs though. “You won’t be able to keep it up. You are not enough. This isn’t real.”
And it makes me sad. The things I miss.
I miss out on relationship because I am afraid of messy and unedited. I miss out on interactions in this space because I’m afraid to let you know your comments move me to tears.
Sometimes I feel so not normal. And I spend my time trying to figure out how a normal person would respond to these conversations. I make this odd split between what I can write so freely and then not being able to engage people over it. As though the words I write so bravely and confidently lose their force when they realize someone is paying attention to them.
It is the lies of not being enough in one regard and being too much in another. Not practical enough. Too poetic.
I have been given a gift that allows me to dare to write my confession. It has come in the form of three women. We have met weekly over the last year. They see this about me and they call me to more. They call me to “not be afraid of the light”. They make me reply to their texts and voicemails. They celebrate the wholeness that is me- the playfulness and the profound, the depth in which I feel things and the things that I miss. (I look forward to talking about this more when we discuss community as a vehicle of fighting fear in a week or so.)
It is their faces that I see as I type. And they make the vulnerability that rises up in me as I write seem worth it. I become stronger even in opening myself up to what I fear. Will I be seen, heard, understood? And will I be ok if I’m completely missed? Yes. And it will be worth it.
I am also discovering what this fear that silences me says about my belief in God.
Because it is not just myself I am doubting. It is God. Will I believe the messages of hope and redemption and beauty in heartache that so easily roll off my fingertips….will I believe they are true even when the stories others share are devastating and full of evil no one should know? Will God still be God even in stories that aren’t my own.
When I freeze and don’t respond to someone, I am forgetting the very message I have lived through. The God who broke out of a box when I wrote laments over our miscarriages. The God who has been faithful through change and transitions. The God who pursues when I want to flee.
When I take my eyes off myself and how well I will or will not respond to people, I have courage. Because I am reminded of what is true and good and noble and praiseworthy. I take risk. I don’t worry about how flowery my response is or if it was too flowery. I just respond. I move towards not away.
I want to do that more. Because I miss out. You miss out. And what we miss out on is important. You reveal God to me in only a way you can. I reveal him in only a way I can. He is more known when we are in this together. And sometimes together scares me because there is risk.
“Don’t give in to your fears. If you do, you won’t be able to talk to your heart.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
Keep reminding me it is worth it. My heart is worth it. Your heart is worth it. The heart of God is worth it. Keep reminding me of that.
Thank you. I will re-read this again and again. I relate. It is so truthful and insightful. And there is such freedom in it as the truth sets us free. It seems when we share fears and weaknesses, walls truly can come down but when the walls come down we don’t want everyone else with their fears to come rushing in. We want to say….l want to say….let’s take them to the One with all the wisdom, let’s fight together the enemy if our souls, so we can win together. Oh, yes, you have me thinking!!
Kathryn
Thank you for saying you could relate. I was thinking this post felt more vulnerable to me than when I have written about our losses. I suppose because I am in the midst of discovery and wrestling. And yet wanting to choose to engage.
Yes, lets take them to the One with the wisdom.
Thank you for your ongoing encouragement.
Melanie, could the evil one be working on you? Knowing you as a Very Wise Woman, you need not doubt yourself like this.
Hugs,
Diane
He is always working on us. As the accuser, the one who brings all the lies.
I can really relate to this, Melanie. Sometimes that “I am not enough!” shouts so loud and disables me. I’m afraid the messages of hope I write don’t always sink into my own heart. Yes, it is God I am also doubting. 🙁 I need the daily reminder that His grace is sufficient for me and in Him I am always enough. Thank you for being so honest. What a blessing that you have friends that encourage you in this!
Trudy, Yes it is definitely a daily reminder that his grace is sufficient. Sometimes I think I will arrive at certain places (of being patient, not having fear, etc). But it is a daily, a moment by moment surrender.
Thank you for connecting and encouraging.
You are worth it!! Totally get where you are coming from, thank you for your brave post x
Thank you for seeing it as brave. I woke up at 5am and wondered if I should go cancel it from being published. We are worth it….