Until I was in my 30s, my life with God could be characterized in one of two ways. For many years it was by the book. I followed the rules and lived into an expectation of who I should be and had God comfortably labeled in a tidy box. Then there was a season nestled in there where I had the book shut completely. God was ‘simply’ not in the picture. He was not a consideration in how I lived my life nor a place I turned to for guidance. Currently I would characterize our life together as the book fully open with it’s author standing next to me showing me how abundant a “with God” life can be. Here’s a glimpse of some stops on the journey of opening my life more fully and completely to him.
Only a few months into our marriage we excitedly found out we were pregnant. The excitement was short lived however, as we had a miscarriage at eight weeks. After waiting a few months, we were thrilled to once again see a positive line. While cautious the first weeks, we began, with growing anticipation to prepare a nursery. In our fifth month we went in for what should have been a routine ultrasound. Darkness and numbness filled the room when they told us there was no heartbeat. But just a few weeks early there had been. Thus far every ultrasound showed us a growing baby- with all it’s measurements right where they should be. How does life vanish that quickly?
Have you had those moments where a phone call, a doctors appointment or a conversation changes life as you know it along with future plans and dreams? Those moments when life around you keeps going on and you want to shout “do you not know what just happened? ” How can the world keep going on with the devastation I have just faced? (read more)
I have never wrestled with God as much as I did in those months that followed. I have never wanted to run away from him as much as I did that summer. I have never clung to his word and desperately needed him as I did then. Scripture was a life line when I was drowning in sorrow and loss. His promises no longer sound like nice poetry written many years ago, they became alive and active in my life. The God in my safe box became bigger than I have ever allowed or believed him to be. He was present. He was real. He was not afraid. It was the beginning of a journey for me of discovering the beauty and comfort and challenge in his word.
Oh would I need that. As the years went by we added two failed adoptions and four more miscarriages to our loss. Each one was a life marked by hope that at a few weeks or a few months was dashed away. I miss our children. Many days I wonder what life would look like if they were here.
I don’t understand the mechanisms of this, but with certainty my soul knows more joy because it has endured pain. I have had glimpses of what Paul might have had in mind when he said “sorrowful, but rejoicing”. Life has been lost and found more deeply. It began by the planting of God’s word in me…and sprouts up in ways I can’t always anticipate in daily life. This is why this blog is important to me. Life is richer and fuller when God is not merely one priority in my day, but when he is my day. My journey has said to me “trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding”. And then puts blue marbles in my path to remind me.