Waterfalls in Fall- Day 10

This week I’ve been sharing our long road to parenting, the most intense fall season of my faith. Monday, our early in our marriage miscarriages. Tuesday, our adoptions that almost were. Today we land on our Seattle years.

With a new state, new medical discoveries. New hope.

Four more pink lines.

Four more attempts of new therapies in efforts to hang on to these lives.

Anxiety provoking trips to the ultrasound room.

Heartbeat. Growing. Heartbeat. Movement. Heartbeat. Weekly monitoring.

Four more times of hearing world stopping words. There is no heartbeat. At nine weeks. At eleven weeks. At whatever weeks. What makes the heart be beating and growing one week and not the next?

Each time they say let’s wait. your body will naturally realize the baby is no longer alive. But it never does. It keeps pretending it is nurturing life. No outward signs of the truth within. My body and my heart hold out. Creating their own reality. Reaching for anything to rewrite the story.

They never get re-written. But with time, I read the stories through new lens. Still heartbreaking. Still shaking my whole world. But the shape of my soul is different. And the new shape has deepened my faith. Grounded my feet. Allowed my heart to soar to new heights.

Not re-written, these desires unfulfilled. But they have been redeemed.

Each week, each day, I had the honor of being a mom. I do not hold that lightly. Offering my babies life as best I could. Even when my body couldn’t, I loved and prayed and cried. Offering abundance within my limitations.

Somewhere in the midst of these four, we took a ferry ride. Over to the beautiful Olympic mountains. My thoughts consumed with how to gather all the right resources. I think of all the stories I’ve collected. Of others who got the right doctor. The right treatment plan. Who demanded that their unexplained pregnancy loss could be explained. I will make the next one work.

I’ve pushed down the most alive part of me. Suffocating, I ignore my soul. Letting a rising up of entitlement and bitterness take root.

Hiking through the gigantic trees, On a wooded path. We turn. A hidden waterfall appears. Majestic. He whispers “I am the maker of that waterfall. You know me. Will you trust in me?”

Tears flow. Offering their confession. I know the maker of the waterfall. I’ve been seeking other sources while submerging the most important, powerful source of all.

“Some trust in chariots and some in horses. But I will trust in the name of the Lord my God.”

Internet information my chariot. White blood cell counts my horse. And in themselves have purpose. But they are not my hope. They are not strong enough to fight my battle. I will trust in the name of the Lord my God.

Trusting in his name switches my focus. My eyes lift up. Where will my help come from?

From this journey of trusting, I have a treasure chest full of priceless gems. Each one placed in there came as all things of great worth do. By trials and endurance. By obedience and wrestling. By accepting grace beyond what I can comprehend.

I will never trade them. Never ignore them. For they came at great price.

Looking at these riches. I offer them to you. To my son. To all of us who travel through paths of pain and suffering and confusion.

• Trials will come. They will shape you. Don’t run from them. They will be hard. But hard does not equal bad.
• “(Trials) develop perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything” James 1:3-4
• I want that character for you. I want you to know that hope. Substantive hope that doesn’t disappoint.
• Do not face the trials alone. Pour you heart out to God. Read the Psalms. Write your own lament. He is bigger, stronger than anything you could imagine. Yes even than Luke Skywalker.
• Find trustworthy people. Let them in. Into your mess and all your questions.
• His love is better than life. Your head may find that true, but until you taste and see he is good, your heart will never know.
• Get to know God’s word. It is alive.
• When your soul expands you will have room for great joy.
• Let it expand.

When I began this series on 31 days of noticing fall, I knew that I would write about this journey. What I didn’t realize until this past Sunday, is that it would fall on the week five years ago that we traveled to Guatemala to bring our son home.  How amazing of God to wrap my story of sorrow and joy together.

Five years ago today? Wednesday October 10th, 2007. A day off in Guatemala. Waiting for our paperwork. Swimming in the pool. Exploring the market.

Listening intently to cries and giggles. Changing diapers. Feedings.

Wondering what the story of this little boy will be.

Like his namesake, may he be one whom God has heard.

Sorrow, joy and all.

This is Day 10 in 31 Days of Noticing Fall. Last week I wrote on the back to school aspects of fall. This week I’m sharing the most intense fall season of our our life.

If you missed a post, you can find links to all here.

You can find all 31 Dayers here. There are some great topics to follow!

Linking up with WIP Wednesday, God-Bumps and God-Incidences, Unwrapping His Promises, Women Living Well, What I Know Now, Legacy Leavers, The Better Mom, Walking with Him Wednesday

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