Going Home! Day 12

Do you know what it is like to share your heart, the pain, the tender places, your most vulnerable parts? And to wonder how it will go with the one listening?

How it is received can shut your heart down, adding layers of protection. Or it can set it free, letting it be the beauty it was made to be.

Thank you for receiving my heart into tender hands this week. Your care in responding reminds me what it will be like someday to walk where the redeemed walk. Joy and gladness will overtake us. Sorrow and sighing will flee. (Isaiah 35)

A friend asked me what it was like to write about this sorrow. It is something that I don’t think about daily. And yet, to write about it, I can almost feel the emotions, feel the swelling up inside of me, as I did the day it happened. Often this week I typed through tears. The screen blurry.

Remembrance has great power. Remembering God’s activity in my life always brings me to worship and gratitude. It is my cure when I feel blah or distant.

Remembering our stories. Remembering Him. It is important.

This week my senses have also been heightened to the months that led up to our adoption of our son. While we were in process, the majority of me (does that even make sense) was prepared for the other shoe to drop.

Each month we received pictures of him from Guatemala. I would look at his monthly pictures. And a layer deep in me was thinking “oh wouldn’t it be nice to be his mother”. Really doubting that it would come to be.

So many different ways of losing a child. Prepared me for one more way.

But month after month, looking at those brown eyes. Month after month of getting the doctors report and tracking his weight and length. Month after month that layer deep in me starting fading.

I had spreadsheets with his growing stats. Spreadsheets for how I would use my time once he was home. Spreadsheets with his napping schedule.

Somewhere amidst those spreadsheets, I became his mom. I let my heart hope and dream. No longer protected if devastation once again entered.

Freely given to this little boy. As I always ended up doing. Saying I know I might get hurt, but I am not going to miss loving while I can.

Eight children whose faces I don’t see today. They taught me to love while I can. To love when it doesn’t make sense. To experience a glimpse of the ultimate love for us.

I was remembering this morning the baby shower that was thrown. I was probably the hardest person in history of the world to schedule this.

I had had showers before for babies who never came.

Friends offered to wait until he was home. But something deep in me wanted it before. But not too far before.  Umm, yes I was difficult to work with.

Deep gratitude wells up in me. Thinking of these friends who embraced and loved. Who waited and went through all the ups and downs with us.

Who planned the most beautiful shower once our embassy appointment was made, plane tickets bought, but before we boarded the plane.

Complete with a blanket made with squares from people from my life. A Guatemalan feast. Colorful table-clothes. In a yarn shop.

I think this memory came so strongly as I’m remembering how anticipated this baby boy was. How a community across the country was waiting for him. People who had cried tears. Saints who prayed without ceasing. For seven years.

He has a strong foundation laid by those tears and those prayers. Eternally grateful for the cloud of witnesses that ushered him into our life.

Which leads right in to five years ago today.

Friday. October 12th 2007.

Waking up at 4am. To darkness becoming light. Symbolic of the long journey. Packing. Stirring the babe. Waiting in the lobby for the van to come. Our son taking it all in calmly. Curiously.

When he was four months old we made a trip to meet him. My mom came. Five days of studying him. Him studying us. Having to let go at the end of the week. Not knowing when we would return.

Four months later we return. Now, my husband’s parents have joined us. So thankful that the grandparents experienced his country. His culture. Wishing my dad could have too.

The van comes. With newly made friends we load up our luggage.

His first plane ride. Leaving the only place he has known.

We land in Houston. Go through customs. It’s official he is a citizen of the US. We say our goodbyes to Rob’s parents. As they head home to South Carolina.

Now just the three of us. We wait at the gate that says Seattle WA. One last leg. One last leg of seven years.

We land. Tired. Thrilled.

And now the journey really begins.

Today is Day 12 in 31 Days of Noticing Fall. If you missed a post, you can find links to all here.

You can find all 31 Dayers here. There are some great topics to follow!

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Linking today with Faith Filled Fridays, Tuesday Baby Link Up, Life in Bloom

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