Today is the last day of my 31 Days of Noticing the Moment series. 31 Days that was intended to fall into the calendar blocks of October. I realize today is November 7th. A week late it would seem.
A week late because consistently noticing the moment was harder than I anticipated. A week late because noticing the moment meant noticing my heart and frankly there were days when my heart just didn’t want to be noticed.
Some days my heart didn’t want to be noticed because there seemed to be nothing there to offer. It was far, distant from me. To find it felt like searching through fog and wondering if it was even really there.
Some days my heart didn’t want to be noticed not because there was nothing there to offer, but because what was there was full of debris. It was exhausted and ugly, perhaps too dangerous to touch.
But I wonder now, what if I had offered what I had. Even if it felt like scraps or numbness. Even if it was delivered from the chief of all sinners.
What if I had offered gifts without the bows nicely tied?
I have a feeling it would have been received by sacred hands (and computer screens). I have a feeling that the offering of it would have led me back to His mercy. To his whole heartedness for me. For I desire mercy not sacrifice He has been teaching me.
I remember when we were in the midst of our miscarriages. Before our son joined our family via adoption. I would hear testimonies of women with similar journeys….except for one thing. They were all neatly wrapped up. “I had this struggle for so long and now I have a son. God is good.”
I would cry out to God. Where are the stories in the middle? Where are the ones who don’t have a tidy ending? God is good even before the credits roll. He is good in the middle of the struggle. His goodness is not dependent on the outcome. I have wrestled with him in this land of ‘recurrent pregnancy loss’ and I have tasted that he is good. It was a mantra of sorts for me.
About the third week of October I hit a wall. I forgot my mantra. I had plans for my noticing. But what I was noticing wasn’t cooperating. I wanted nice tidy bows and all I was getting were unfinished stories. All I was noticing were the darker places of my heart seeking out light.
When margin in my life has filled me with his presence, I can notice in dishes and the raking of leaves and the doing of homework. Those daily places. That is my space, my home, when peace attends my soul, my noticing flourishes.
But when empty comes. When chaos enters. My noticing dies or hides or evades. I push down the unsightly emotions rising. I shut off the very reality that drives me hard and fast into the arms of Jesus.
That is when the lie takes over. I can do this myself. I can fill myself up. I can calm the chaos.
But the truth is I can’t do it myself. I will run out of fuel. The craziness will bubble over. Hard as I may try, I can not be my own Saviour.
It is in those thin places I need to learn (over and over again) to fall towards him. I learn that the end of myself is the most abundant place. I learn that the end of myself doesn’t mean losing myself. In the upside down kingdom it means finding my true self, a new creation.
A new creation, the joy of the redeemed. Water gushes forth in our wilderness places. (Isaiah 35) The beauty of that redemption is that the middle places, the stories with no bows, become the most glorious sights. Glorious because they are not about perfection and our performance, but about Him showing up in brokenness and emptiness and in blog series that take longer than 31 days. That indeed is where I want to live and breathe and notice.
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The processing of this post sprung from community, which of course always helps me to see. Specifically there were two writers whose words helped me name my struggle.
The first is Ashley Larkin. Her series, 31 Days of Right Here, had similar themes to this one, and I just love her writing. Her post In Which I Hit A Wall, named so much of what I was keeping at arms distance.
The second is Becky Daye. I co-lead an online (in)couragers group for ministry wives with her and she encourages me deeply. She wrote for five minute Friday on Grace and it spoke so deeply to me. I sometimes can think I’m good, and the surfacing of sin catches me off guard. When you are noticing for 31 Days, all kinds of stuff floats up.
I’m participating with The Nester in 31 Days of Noticing the Moment. This is Day 31.
You can find all 31 Dayers here. There are so many wonderful topics.
If you miss any days in the series, you can find introductory and each days post here.
Linking with Weekend Brew.
Melanie this is absolutely amazing. Your words are tender and strong, fragile and show strength, they are you undergirded by God and they are sacred. God-breathed. Thank you for your transparency and your vulnerability. They are beautiful. TRUTHful and lovely just as you are, friend.
I have had a bit of a wild ride during my series with circumstances. I am finding some measure of peace in what ended up on the page. Trying to let go of what seems insufficient.
This wasn’t ever about productivity but relationship and I love reconnecting with you through this series or by way of this series. The Spirit lead me perhaps to your precious words. Thank you sweet you.
Elizabeth- your words have blessed me deeply today. When I first started blogging, I read your poetic words and the way you weave a story, and felt safe and challenged all at the same time.
It is good to reconnect with you, I like your words, it wasn’t ever about productivity, but relationship- yes grateful for that.
Love to you.
This was just so lovely. Thanks for your honesty and willingness to share. I have truly enjoyed your 31 Days series.
Karmen, thank you. When I hit publish, I had a wave of ‘oh no, should I have done that?’ So it encourages me to know the words were met well. Thank you for reading the series.
Ah, Melanie! I love this post. What a blessing it is to others when we can be honest and vulnerable and real. You are a blessing in my life!
Becky, It is so true about the vulnerability being a blessing. When i feel vulnerable, I wonder how it will be received. But when I read someone else’s vulnerability (like yours) I think wow, how courageous. Thanks for showing me the way.
Much love to you today.
Melanie
Melanie,
Sometimes I Wish You Were Physically Present When I Read Your Posts. You May Be Behind In Your Goal But Gods Purpose Prevails. I Am Feeling Your Emptiness Today And Also Noticing His Presence At The Same Time. Thank You For Being Real Even When Its Your Crumbs And Emptiness.eE Take It All In And Then Pause To Reflect On OUr own Crumbs And where Good Is Working.
Joyce, I’d like to be present when you read a post…well, maybe not, I might feel too worried 🙂 Thank you for sharing the impact of the words, crumbs and emptiness and all.
Blessings to you today.
Melanie
Melanie, this is BEAUTIFUL! I am so filled with joy to see your honest heart experience spilled out on the page. What a gift to us. As Elizabeth said, this is a holy offering that shows your undergirding by the One Who Sees. Bless you, and thank you for your oh so gracious words above. I’m thankful to have reconnected through our series. Much love to you.
Ashley, thank you for hearing and seeing and affirming. You helped open doors to me putting to paper some important truths for me. Grateful for the One who sees and still loves. Resting in that today. Happy weekend, love to you.
So lovely and so very true. This is where I seem to be camping–midway through the testimony, and He is here, too, just as He will be when He ties the bow on the top (if there is a bow…which there might not be…which, really, is okay as long as He’s there…which He will be.)
Oh how He adores your offerings, unwrapped, imperfect but from your heart
you’ve touched many….